Observations: Conan O'Brian isn't funny.

So, I remember a time long long ago when I watched the Tonight Show. Independence Day had just come out, the Daily Show was a horrendously unfunny show that still had the slogan 'When News Breaks, We Fix It', and I  was too busy getting the shit kicked out of me by the larger staff members at my boarding school to really care about politics. I want to say that at this point, they might have even still played music on MTV. Eerie.

On those rare occasions I got to go home, I was allowed to stay up late with my parents and watch the Tonight Show. Oh, what heady days they were. Jay would spend the first half of the show delivering a monologue, then a guest would come on. Unless by some twist of absurdity, we actually cared about the guest, we turned off the TV then and there and found something more interesting to do.

One night, I remember sitting in my old green robe (it was made out of the same stuff as towels so you could dry off with it!) and waking up to see another guy on the television. Jay Leno had, of course, already covered the news of the day, so he joked about.... uh.... something very memorable. The only thing I remember had something to do with snow. Sure, he had a few bits that weren't bad "In The Year 2000" could even be amusing. I did what every self respecting kid would do in that situation. I turned off the TV and went upstairs to look at internet porn.

Fast forward a few years and once again I found myself sitting in front of the TV surrounded by people watching Conan. Actually, one of us was watching Conan rolling around on the floor like a dog on ecstasy. Apparently, it was a really good bit for Conan. I won't lie, I smiled a few times, I might have even let lose a slight chuckle but for the most part, our boy Coco just seemed like a guy who really didn't want to be there. Leno had already done all of the funny material for the day, he knew it. The only people who watched him were the crack addled few who for some reason found his boring monologues to be comic gold.

Then I went to High School and life turned into an incomprehensible blur of lights and colors, one morning I woke up 19.

I had not watched an episode of Conan for a long time, I heard the rumors every year that Jay Leno was going to retire and pass the torch. It was a lot like the doomsday prophesies of 2012. Nobody was looking forward to them, few people believed them, and nobody was surprised when they didn't happen. I didn't care though (why would I?), neither I nor anyone I knew watched either show any more, the Daily Show had taken over what late night TV I watched. It was political, it actually gave me a sort of concentrated and sweetened version of the news. It was even before I realized that I couldn't trust the major news networks. Then came the Colbert Report. Boomicus.

I'm going to cut out everything else. You get the point.

Let me give all of you people at home a shocker. All of the shows that you watch are made for one purpose: money. They don't give a shit if you laugh at the jokes, they just want you to watch the show so you can watch the advertisements for Ponds Beauty Cream (or is it 'Creme' I keep forgetting).

Conan just wasn't getting them. As much as you claim that his unfunny jokes were loved by all, they weren't. All of the 'young edgy' crowd that would have watched him discovered in 2005 that there was a funnier show on at the same time, the Colbert Report. Jay Leno kept himself afloat by the fact that he targets a much wider audience.

So here's what happened when Jay Leno retired. His audience decided they didn't want to watch Conan. Most of us turned off the Tonight Show halfway through anyways unless it was AMAZING ANIMALS. or something. Coincidentally, the funny part of the show competes with the Colbert Report, which differs from Conan in that it's actually enjoyable to watch. A bunch of network suits realized that the vast majority of Americans had enough firing neurons to realize that Conan wasn't funny, and tried to bring back Leno in some capacity. They put Leno on earlier, which... uh, set up the same thing as before. Leno came first, told all of the good jokes of the day, and Conan proceeded to be unfunny (just like his glory years!) while anyone who might have watched him watched the Colbert Report.

Now Leno's back. Some of his audience will return. I watched his show the other day, he's still pretty funny. He had a bit where he walked into a random apartment complex and had people act out scenes from Oscar nominated movies.

Still, I probably won't watch him. My parents will, they're what we call 'Old'.

Let me incoherent train wreck up with this:

If half of the people who complain because Leno got his show back actually watched Conan when he was on the air, he would still have his show. His ratings would be through the roof and they would have no reason to change things back. One of you ought to invent a time machine so all of the Conan people can go back in time, slap themselves in the head, and change the channel. They could at least Tivo it. TV execs have realized that such stats are more accurate than the old ratings boxes anyways.

..and by the way. Some of you are downright retarded with your loyalty to the show you didn't watch. I heard someone say they weren't voting in a critical election (my daughter and mother-in-law thank you for that by the way) because they thought it had some bearing on who would keep the show. Maybe that's just the level of intelligence necessary to enjoy Conan's unfunny 'jokes'.

Whatever. I sleep now.